I do not have the perfect marriage, and I'm not trying to imply I have all the answers because I definatly do not. But after 6 years of marriage I do know a few things that you should consider before jumping in and taking the plunge as it is essentially a lifetime commitment to one single person. So here's a few things every person should ask themselves and discuss with their partner before saying I do.
Finances-
While money isn't everything it is a very big reason couples get divorced. Take a good look at your financial situation, can you support your own household? If yes this is still not the only thing to consider, sometimes when the money train is flowing there can be control issues. If one spouse makes more than another it can cause superior feelings or belittlement towards the other. Also consider how you handle your money before the wedding are you responsible with it? Do you have issues with the way your fiancé spends? Also I believe that in a marriage what is theirs is yours and vice versa if you have to ask for approval for every dollar or worse beg to have any spending money this can cause a lot of resentment. The last thing to consider is what happens when life gets bumpy, someone loses there job and you can't find one right away. Do you have rainy day money? Consider this when your planning your wedding, are you spending money that you need to potentially survive in your marriage?
Stability with one another-
If your relationship is a montage of make up break up scenarios committing to a lifetime of together is probably not a good idea. Everyone has pet peeves and things that the other person can do to get on our nerves daily. If you've been through an emotional tug of war the rest of your relationship getting married is not a solution or guarantee you'll stay together if anything it will be even messier when someone walks out the door the next time.
Infidelity-
While the old adage once a cheater always a cheater is not necessarily true, you should have an idea of the person your going to marry. If you think there's even a chance they may cheat on you or walk out on you for someone else and your not ok with that this is not the person for you. This may seem like a no brainer but people tend to look for the good in others especially when matters of the heart are concerned. Marriage is a commitment that I believe should be made at %100 certainty. The idea is forever and if you don't think you or they can make it that long with just each other maybe this path isn't the right one for you.
Communication-
Communication is the number one reason for divorce. Your partner may love you with all of there being but that does not make them a mind reader. No one knows what's in your mind unless you choose to share it with them, and in a marriage this is extremely important. Every couple is going to argue. Its just the way it is, there is little things in daily life that will cause these arguments even with the most head over heels couples. The important thing is how you argue and how you communicate on the daily. Do simple tasks turn into fights? Do your arguments turn quickly into loud shouting matches? Do you put each other down using harsh hateful words? If you don't have the love for each other to talk to one another with respect every day you should reconsider a lifetime commitment. Even the most introverted people will get tired of being walked all over. Marriage is a partnership and you should make your partner feel like and equal. Have discussions regularly about what's going on in your daily life. Don't hide feelings or if something is bothering come out with it right away. When you hold things inside they grow until they take on new meanings you or your partner can't repair.
Future Goals-
Do you have Realistic discussions with your fiancé about the future. It can be surprising how someone you love so much may have such different ideas about the future. Some questions you should consider asking are
Every relationship has a honeymoon phase this starry eyed sweeping feeling can be very clouding to your judgment. If these overwhelming feelings may be blocking your judgment take a step back and evaluate, there is no reason to rush. If your going to be together forever you don't need to take things too fast. Get to know what each other is like when your not together. Is there suddenly control issues and Jealousy? Is that something you can live with every time you step away? Honeymoon phases can last a couple weeks to a very long time there is no set time it all depends on the couple. My own honeymoon phase with my husband was about a year long so don't think just because you made it a few months in love you'll last your whole lives because there is so much more to consider. Marriage is so about much more than love.
Touchy Feely-
Make sure you and your fiancé remember to keep in touch... no seriously. Kisses, hugs, sexual intimacy, and even hand holding are all important daily ways you can show each other how you care without using words. This small things reach deep into our subconscious and can help keep a marriage strong. Do you and your partner communicate throughout the day through touch?
One and the same-
Do you and your partner still have healthy relationships outside of the marriage? Having family and friends that support the marriage is a very important step to making sure that your marriage is strong but do you have your own friendships and individuality? Being a strong independent person is a sure way to be strong together. It's easy to get swept up in your love and forget about the person you used to be but that person is who you'll be taking along for the ride and its important to grow your personality not lose it.
Once again I would love to point out that I do not have all the answers. My marriage is not perfect as no one is perfect and thinking it will be is a common misconception made before tying the knot. Marriage is about the daily struggle to fit two lives into one and grow into a family whether this includes expanding or not. Every marriage needs a healthy base and asking these questions before you go for it is a great place to start.
Finances-
While money isn't everything it is a very big reason couples get divorced. Take a good look at your financial situation, can you support your own household? If yes this is still not the only thing to consider, sometimes when the money train is flowing there can be control issues. If one spouse makes more than another it can cause superior feelings or belittlement towards the other. Also consider how you handle your money before the wedding are you responsible with it? Do you have issues with the way your fiancé spends? Also I believe that in a marriage what is theirs is yours and vice versa if you have to ask for approval for every dollar or worse beg to have any spending money this can cause a lot of resentment. The last thing to consider is what happens when life gets bumpy, someone loses there job and you can't find one right away. Do you have rainy day money? Consider this when your planning your wedding, are you spending money that you need to potentially survive in your marriage?
Stability with one another-
If your relationship is a montage of make up break up scenarios committing to a lifetime of together is probably not a good idea. Everyone has pet peeves and things that the other person can do to get on our nerves daily. If you've been through an emotional tug of war the rest of your relationship getting married is not a solution or guarantee you'll stay together if anything it will be even messier when someone walks out the door the next time.
Infidelity-
While the old adage once a cheater always a cheater is not necessarily true, you should have an idea of the person your going to marry. If you think there's even a chance they may cheat on you or walk out on you for someone else and your not ok with that this is not the person for you. This may seem like a no brainer but people tend to look for the good in others especially when matters of the heart are concerned. Marriage is a commitment that I believe should be made at %100 certainty. The idea is forever and if you don't think you or they can make it that long with just each other maybe this path isn't the right one for you.
Communication-
Communication is the number one reason for divorce. Your partner may love you with all of there being but that does not make them a mind reader. No one knows what's in your mind unless you choose to share it with them, and in a marriage this is extremely important. Every couple is going to argue. Its just the way it is, there is little things in daily life that will cause these arguments even with the most head over heels couples. The important thing is how you argue and how you communicate on the daily. Do simple tasks turn into fights? Do your arguments turn quickly into loud shouting matches? Do you put each other down using harsh hateful words? If you don't have the love for each other to talk to one another with respect every day you should reconsider a lifetime commitment. Even the most introverted people will get tired of being walked all over. Marriage is a partnership and you should make your partner feel like and equal. Have discussions regularly about what's going on in your daily life. Don't hide feelings or if something is bothering come out with it right away. When you hold things inside they grow until they take on new meanings you or your partner can't repair.
Future Goals-
Do you have Realistic discussions with your fiancé about the future. It can be surprising how someone you love so much may have such different ideas about the future. Some questions you should consider asking are
- Do you want children? How many?
- Do you want to buy a house? When? Are we setting stepping stones in place to make this a possibility?
- Do you plan to start a new career or go to school? Will this cause a strain on your financials or relationship?
- Do you want the same things when it comes to retirement?
- Do you have health insurance? Health coverage?
Every relationship has a honeymoon phase this starry eyed sweeping feeling can be very clouding to your judgment. If these overwhelming feelings may be blocking your judgment take a step back and evaluate, there is no reason to rush. If your going to be together forever you don't need to take things too fast. Get to know what each other is like when your not together. Is there suddenly control issues and Jealousy? Is that something you can live with every time you step away? Honeymoon phases can last a couple weeks to a very long time there is no set time it all depends on the couple. My own honeymoon phase with my husband was about a year long so don't think just because you made it a few months in love you'll last your whole lives because there is so much more to consider. Marriage is so about much more than love.
Touchy Feely-
Make sure you and your fiancé remember to keep in touch... no seriously. Kisses, hugs, sexual intimacy, and even hand holding are all important daily ways you can show each other how you care without using words. This small things reach deep into our subconscious and can help keep a marriage strong. Do you and your partner communicate throughout the day through touch?
One and the same-
Do you and your partner still have healthy relationships outside of the marriage? Having family and friends that support the marriage is a very important step to making sure that your marriage is strong but do you have your own friendships and individuality? Being a strong independent person is a sure way to be strong together. It's easy to get swept up in your love and forget about the person you used to be but that person is who you'll be taking along for the ride and its important to grow your personality not lose it.
Once again I would love to point out that I do not have all the answers. My marriage is not perfect as no one is perfect and thinking it will be is a common misconception made before tying the knot. Marriage is about the daily struggle to fit two lives into one and grow into a family whether this includes expanding or not. Every marriage needs a healthy base and asking these questions before you go for it is a great place to start.
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